I unpacked a good portion of my kitchen today.
Packing up my kitchen at my old house was actually both disgusting and difficult. It was disgusting because my old housemates never cleaned but it was difficult because of all of the food I had to throw away. My mother used to send me care packages. They always contained chocolate and once I moved off campus, those easy baking mixes – these were from a small shop in our home town. The summer I moved into that old house, my mom also visited and we bought pretty expensive tea leaves from Teavana. She also bought me a special pitcher to make iced tea.
The pitcher still has it’s packaging. And I never really had a chance to make any of the things she sent me.
Actually, most of the powder stuff became moth infested.
I was too tired to process this while I was throwing things out at 2:00am the morning I was moving out but today I opened the Teavana. The original I thought the containers were fine when I opened it but the blueberry one was completely moth infested.
I was too scared to open the other containers.
I wanted to cry. I think I did. I don’t remember.
I don’t think I have the capacity to be angry anymore. I’m just sad.
I lived in a house with three girls whom I thought I could trust. Girls who I thought were my closest friends. But they made me too paranoid to leave my room.
I stayed in the library or campus center until it would close at 1 or 3am and would only be home to sleep or drop off my stuff. Yes, I didn’t use our kitchen because it was a mess. But that wasn’t the primary reason. I didn’t use our kitchen because I was too anxious to be around these girls.
I was anxious that they were talking about me.
I was anxious that if they saw me, they’d start talking about me.
I was anxious when they would get silent.
These were the people who were supposed to care and support me. And they didn’t.
I’m sad because of all of my mom’s wasted gifts.
I’m sad that I was too paranoid to stand up for myself until it was too late.
I’m sad that I didn’t even know how to interact with my housemates this past year due to my paranoia from the previous set.
And I’m sad that all these feelings are starting to emerge again.
I live alone. I thought I was safe.
To be continued…